Sometimes the path to yourself begins with a broken heart, with a feeling that everything or something is wrong. And sometimes with a deep love for life and the question: "Who am I, really?"
I didn't always know that I was living a life that wasn't my own.
I simply walked as best as I could. Through pain, mistakes, discoveries, and light behind it all.
These memories is the living path: from fear to trust, from control to flow, from survival to life in abundance, from pain to love.
This is the path of a woman who has been a lawyer and a dancer, a yogi and a interpreter, a student and a teacher, a cleaner and a guide.
A path where the external world crumbled so that the internal one could manifest.
I tell my story honestly without embellishment. Perhaps somewhere on this path you will recognize yourself.
Welcome to my world!
To a world where "Returning to Myself" is not just a name but the breath of life.
I am Light and Love, Consciousness, just like You. 🙏💛 All the rest is a play... with shadows included. 😉😁 Roles are played, masks are removing... I am learning to live while observing or to observe while living (?) this most fascinating movie called LIFE. 💓😍 I realized that when we accept our shadow side and integrate its parts, life becomes easier and happier. We become whole, not perfect, but complete.
I was born in Kazakhstan during the USSR (1981). My parents named me Olesya after my father gave my mother, who was pregnant with me, a book of Kuprin's stories. In one of them - the story "Olesya" - a forest girl living with her witch grandmother heals people. My name is like a reminder of my roots, of a connection to nature. Sometimes it feels like that Olesya from Kuprin looks at me through time and whispers: "Remember who you are."
My first grade entrance test predicted I would be a C student (speaking of labels☺). I was so frightened by that atmosphere that when asked, "what's your favorite fairy tale," I lied that my parents didn't read me any, subtly meaning "how can I escape here as fast as possible" at any cost, even a lie, despite the fact that my mother read to me every night. Shadow works😉. Dad scolded me all the way home that he couldn't believe how stupid I am. No wonder I started to read psychological books very early in my life ... Thanks Dad! I love you! Thank you for initiating my personal development!
I loved children very much and spent time babysitting neighbors kids until my younger brother (7.5 years younger) began to train me - to practice swear words and break my boundaries. And I had to learn to navigate conflict situations without using force. But unfortunately, back then, either I didn't understand what the adults were explaining, or... well, I didn't learn back then neither giving feedback sharing my feelings in ecological way nor processing my emotions, instead swallowing them deep down, later pressing the trigger in anger and releasing all the rage upon my beloved brother and then feeling guilty for the way I treated him.
And like most of us back those times I also had no permission to express my feelings and emotions to parents too even when my healthy boundaries were affected.
I had a program to be patient, to tolerate.
That led me to viral hepatitis at age 10 (Liver on psychosomatic level is a storage if anger, resentment as suppressed anger).
Around that same time, I ordered colorful little books - Children's Bible - by mail from Moscow.
I read everything that arrived with great interest. It definitely touched my soul and made me think about many things... Yes! To think, because by that time social hypnosis had placed my "sensitivity" into the shell the system required. On this topic I recall lines from a song I used to sing on a chair at home when no one was there: "What is a soul? A pensive little person..." And everything becomes clear. 😞
In 1994 we moved to the small Russian town Salsk in the Rostov-on- Don region. I observed how parents adapted differently to the new place: my mom jumped in work right away providing the whole family, while dad preferred to dull his emotional pains and traumas with alcohol to the point selling things that belonged to family in exchange for vodka.
nostalgia combined with growing pride in me, formed the ground for atheism which strengthened during college times.
At the age of 14, I "made" dad look for separate housing, giving my mother a tough choice: either me ready to suicide not willing to tolerate toxic life atmosphere in the family, or him with his alcohol dependency... For which I later came down with pneumonia, experienced guilt. Later I understood that the Higher Forces were acting through me, freeing my mom from the bondage she was ready to humbly carry for the rest of her life, and teaching me to stand up for my boundaries. I took on a role in family system that wasn't mine—the rescuer.
Thank you, Mom, for your choice and your expressed gratitude! I love you immensely! Both of you, mom and dad now, years later, but back then... ohhh... there was so much judgment of Daddy and shame for him, "his weakness," and helplessness in attempts to free a loved one from that addiction, along with growing hatred and an understanding that it was impossible to live nearby, a necessity for a healthy ego to protect and provide a peaceful and calm space for myself, Mom, and my little brother, who was absorbing "male" patterns like a sponge. Back then, I took a place in the family system that wasn't mine, caring for Mom and my brother.
This was followed by the most difficult period of my life: the beginning of independent living, moving to Rostov-on-Don, working off karma in a dorm with a painful case of slander and betrayal, juggling work in advertising with studies during 4th-5th years of University. I had a strong program to earn money myself for all pleasures and the "necessity" of continuing my education full-time.
I am grateful for that choice. That period of life made me stronger, tougher in many ways. I worked as a lawyer for only about 7 years, but the English language from that University served me well for both: extra income and realizing my dream to travel! And after ending up married to an American, it became absolutely essential.
I fondly remember the professors of that wonderful University who opened my eyes to the level of consumerism in the modern world ("Everyone already has everything they need, people spin around their whole lives like squirrels in a wheel just to satisfy the receptors of their tongue, fill their stomach, and update what they already have: phone, computer, etc., under the influence of advertising and brainwashing by the media") and revealed other versions of reality. Later I understood that we also become consumers of the unnecessary or of what we already have due to childhood trauma as an attempt to prove that we worth it.
I am very grateful for failing the entrance exams after finishing school with a gold medal to the Saratov Law Academy: I rested for a year, which was extremely necessary at that time; learned firsthand what insomnia is and how to accept it and use it for good, not wasting time worrying about it (thanks to Dale Carnegie book); lived through depression from boredom and a lack of my previous activity, with minimal communication with peers; shed some of the stress accumulated over my school years; tried working with my dad, one of the best lawyers who won cases in international trials, realizing I didn't want to work with him in the future (natural separation was happening as it should 😉). While some of my future classmates admired and openly admitted they were envious that I had such a smart daddy—a walking encyclopedia.
Returning to my student days in the big city, I clearly remember suffocating from the education system and impatiently waiting for freedom! Even the fear of the unknown future wasn't so scary! 👹
In the spring of 2004, in my 5th year, a supervisor at an advertising agency offered me a one-day job in the neighboring town of Azov at a wholesale base, where I was met by the kindest angel-girl, who gave me an esoteric book to read during my working hours. Meanwhile, while I was immersed in a space of love and prosperity, devouring everything offered in 4 hours, she performed my job duties!!! And how she performed them! With a smile, joyfully and easily, filling everyone with her joy and light.
This was a quantum leap in my consciousness and the awakening of my soul—doors opened to miracles!
Immense gratitude to that girl and the author of the book (Pravdina)!!!
A couple of months later, having received my law diploma in a red cover, with a translator's certificate enclosed, I went to apply my knowledge. I was very lucky with my first boss—a spiritually developing personality with 3 higher educations—who contributed greatly to my worldview, organized "spiritual gatherings," introduced me to the concepts of breatharianism, the religion of money,... I realized some of it years later... His phrase "We all work for the toilet" resonated immediately... Thank you, Leonid Petrovich!!! 💖🙏
Then a colleague—a sister soul (Marisha), with whom I also studied on the same course (a special THANK YOU to her!), signed up for Arabic dance classes. Well, I joined too, since I loved to dance and had practiced all sorts of dances before moving to Rostov. This brought so much color into my life, removing the internal limiter that dancing wasn't for adults!!!
In the same dance group was a brightest soul who generously shared esoteric books with me (THANK YOU, Vita!!!)
A few months after starting belly dance, we went to the sea, to Crimea, in the summer, as dancers, fulfilling the dream-desire to be in nature, by the sea. And then I "soaked" a little more in Crimea, and then in Abkhazia, dancing in the evenings.
About a year after starting oriental dance, I got the opportunity to combine legal work with being a belly dance instructor at a sports club (thank you to my dance trainer Irina Z.!!!).
I remember, as if it were now, how much those evening classes revived me, even if I crawled to them tired after court sessions and consultations, with a chronic lack of sleep... I felt ready to live another day like that, at the very least, without spending time on sleep. And how much the morning classes helped me wake up in every sense—I felt the power of creative energy, music, movement, doing what I love. 💃💖
A few years later, in 2010, leaving jurisprudence (and my first husband), my coaching activities expanded, I found a space, groups of all ages appeared, personal training, I merged with a large and beautiful dance family,
while simultaneously exploring mountains of psychological and esoteric info in search of my other half and the answer to "who am I," gaining wholeness, no, taking the first steps towards wholeness.
At the same time, my childhood dream of traveling was realized—I visited maaany countries, probably can't even remember them all now, and it's not important anymore. 😉
This dream was realized so fully that at some point, after arriving in Alaska, my body turned into a broody hen: I found my paradise on Earth, truly "got my fill of traveling the world," or maybe just a stable connection with the source of true joy inside was established, overshadowing all earthly delights, or maybe it was just a 7-year period of calm and exploring my insides 😉? Anyway—the Heavens took mercy! 🙏🙇 Inner peace and serenity came.
In the fall of 2010, after the 1st stage of the divorce, the most painful stage, I went to Nepal, where I was introduced to Himalayan yoga, which rebooted my processor in 10 days and installed an antivirus at the time.
I don't want to diminish the enjoyment of the views of the Himalayas—the power of Nature, power spots, admiration at that stage did their job. As did swimming, even in an indoor pool, as water has always had healing properties for me.
Upon returning to Russia, I listened to mantras all day long. Later my ex-husband admitted he tried to get me back by consulting "grannies" [folk healers].
After 3 attempts they gave up: "nothing affects her." And at that time I felt as if someone was rummaging in my head, my hair stood on end, only the weight of it pulled me down, and a cold lasted for more than a month.
Back then I didn't understand that it was my own darkness that was disturbing me, that if there was nothing for the dark forces to latch onto, there would be no illness, that I was suffocating from my own feelings and emotions trying to compress them deeper. It was easier and more familiar to blame external influence. But I appreciated the eternal presence of angels and saints in my theater.
Glory to All Higher Light Forces—they didn't allow me or my husband to suffer for long.
I quickly realized that you can't build happiness where it can't exist by definition: when partners look at new relationships without cleaning the rearview mirrors, dusty since childhood, and don't want to do it, dragging a sack of rotten apples behind them, while dreaming of taking off, without realizing what, why, and for what was wrong in the past.
The lessons were also that:
- You shouldn't follow advice from the outside, especially from those you trust a lot; you need to listen only to yourself, your soul.
- That you shouldn't enter a relationship thinking someone will change, or out of pity, which kills both the one pitied (=pride) and the respect in us for that person. We only take a finished product, ready to accept 100% all "flaws" and love everything as it is.
- You must not lie to yourself or others, wearing masks of satisfied people and childish hopes.
- To make the "right" choice of partner, from a state of peace, inner silence, you must separate from your mother physically, materially (financially), mentally, emotionally, on an energy level.
Six months later, after the official divorce, I was blown to India, to a very blessed place by the ocean, in the southernmost state of Kerala, to an Ayurvedic spa resort. Mmmmm I would probably go back there, but it no longer exists (a port was built in its place), which freed me from any potential desire to do so in the future. 👍
At that time, I usually didn't go to the same place twice, but I ended up there again six months later. Needless to say, 2-hour daily massages with various Indian concoctions, yoga with meditations—twice a day for 2 hours, vegan food according to doshas, swimming in the ocean and pool did their job.
After my first trip from there, I returned a completely different person.
Credit is also due to visiting the magical ashram (=Indian monastery) of the well-known Amma, who heals with hugs, and simply with her presence.
Returning to Russia, I couldn't help but start every morning with yoga. When saying goodbye, guru-ji Rajakrishna, who taught at the spa resort at the time, signed his book, inspiring me that I could teach classes myself, even though I didn't even know the names of the asanas. 😁
Well, that was easy to fix. 😉
My sensitive mom noticed the changes happening to my bodies and wanted to do yoga too. I gathered a small, cozy group, and we did yoga together 3 times a week. Thank you, Mommy, for your support of all the ideas and plans that come into my life—I appreciate it immensely! 🙏
And then came that very 2012! 😮
I didn't believe in the end of the world, but I had a clear intention to go to India in December 2012 for 3 weeks and celebrate the New Year there, exploring North India this time.
Attending a satsang (that's what meetings-communions with enlightened and awakened masters are called) of Prem Baba, an embodiment of Unconditional Love and Wisdom, in Rishikesh, on December 21, 2012, with a transformational meditation dedicated to the much-anticipated end of the world, was for me the Beginning of Tangible Light.
"My" plans, as it turned out later, diverged slightly from the plans from above—in a wondrous way I missed my return flight, as described in the post "Memoirs of India or how some are led out of the matrix."
So the most interesting part of my journey began after that.
I spent about another 4 months in India, receiving an offer to teach yoga at one of the hotels in Rishikesh—a town in the foothills of the Himalayas, considered the world center of yoga. After working a little with other people, I focused on working on myself, splashed in the waterfalls of the Himalayas, went to satsangs,
washed away all that was unnecessary in the Ganges, in the Indian Ocean on the coast of Goa, buried myself in the sand on the eastern edge of India—in Pune,
underwent a past life regression, "kept silent" for 10 days in a Vipassana retreat in a Thai monastery in Bodhgaya (a small town located where the Buddha attained enlightenment),
practiced different types of yoga with dozens of teachers,
attended the international yoga festival "Kumbh Mela" in Allahabad (I was brought there by a dream to see the naked ascetics); completed a heart-opening seminar with a shaman in fabulous Goa,
met amazing people and animals, attended a wide variety of practices,
went crazy mastering "secret" techniques with a Wonderful Master—I wanted enlightenment so badly!!!! 😅😁😍 And Loveeeee!!! To feel unity with the Source of love and transmit an endless light and warmth to the entire Universe...
Well, I transmitted what I could... ;)
Credit where it's due, there was a result after all of the above and much more, of course! 😉
Not enlightenment, but a shift, liberation from many concepts and stereotypes,
a review of all values and a caaardinal change in some areas... I repented for material consumerism in the past, consuming animal products, using leather goods, jackets, fur coats 😭—especially after watching the film "Earthlings" in 2015, all this intensified. I highly recommend it to anyone who really wants to cry and open their eyes to the truth!!! I quickly became a vegan; before that, I had been transitioning to vegetarianism for many years, jumping back and forth.
Returning to insights in India: the concepts of trusting God, His will, the power of faith in a man, love, and acceptance began to play out differently for me.
Just before leaving India, at an intensive on tantra meditations, which I found thanks to a change of plans by my childhood friend—a special thanks, Sunshine, as well as for the remark about the importance of humility—it took me much longer to understand that!!!—and an "unexpectedly appeared" messenger who told me about this wonderful Carrier of Love—a special thanks to God and the light forces who helped me find the venue for this Tantra Teacher's meditations at that moment in time, I met a kindred spirit—my husband.
At the time, we weren't entirely aware of this design, although we both felt a special, incomparable spark during a partnered meditation and doing homework together.
We both went through the experience of letting each other go and relationships with other partners, meeting again a couple of months later in an inexplicable way in Malaysia,
where both of us ended up due to "random circumstances"; we both had completely different plans for that summer. And for the next year!
Yes! After all we'd been through, we still had plans!! 😊 Cory (my current real husband) had actually come to Malaysia for a week to get a visa for volunteer work in Indonesia, and literally on the way learned he didn't need to go anymore, as that project didn't get the expected financial support.
We haven't been apart since, actively practicing those heart-opening meditations every day for 3 months. Meanwhile, visa runs to Singapore and Thailand awaited us, a month-long stay in Bali, and back to India for 4.5 months—
I had a strong desire, dictated during a past life regression—to study at the Himalayan Yoga Academy.
(my dream came true to practice with a 105-year-old Yoga Teacher, among others)
My beloved wanted to spend time in Goa with his Guru—Panda Chi, who later became my Teacher as well,
with an unparalleled experience during his teachings... Becoming acquainted with the energy of the Mother of God in the literal sense, not just by hearsay... 😇
and a presence that remains in my presence to this day.
Later, my love and I observed 9 days of silence at another Vipassana with Christopher Titmuss in a Buddhist monastery in Sarnath, where the Buddha gave his first sermon after attaining enlightenment. (*Vipassana means to see things as they really are, it is one of India's most ancient meditation techniques.)
Through Russia, obtaining a fiancée visa, we went to America, where my beloved is from.
In 2014, we formalized our union under the patronage of my husband's earthly father by a lake in a park in Missouri in a warm, narrow family circle.
(In the states, licensed church preachers can legally register families). Then we set off for Alaska, where we were met unforgettably warmly and friendly.
The first six months I actively soaked up the vibrations of Alaska, the forest, the sea, the mountains, the kindness of people, and applied my knowledge of yoga therapy, practicing hormonal yoga, tantra yoga, led yoga and dance classes, until the news of another soul's life beginning in this body turned everything, or almost everything, upside down!
Well, for money I worked part-time as a cleaner, because after arriving in Alaska and buying an old car for $500, we had $300 in our account—enough to stock up on groceries for a couple of weeks.
During my first pregnancy, we spent the winter in Hawaii, where my husband was offered work.
With the birth (post about the "home" birth) of our angel-teacher-motivator to become a better version of myself, I became immersed in the topic of raw food and cleansing the physical body, which also affected changes in my worldview and perception, clearing the pipes of old deposits and programs, because no matter how you look at it, everything is connected.
I cannot omit a very valuable training in my life that led me to Simply Living and enjoying everything, merging with the Source of Love and Light, which launched a process of total cleansing.
I finally began to feel the vibrations of my soul, freed from the pain of accumulated traumas and guilt. Although before that I was sure it had all been "worked through" long ago—since 2004 I had been quite actively doing forgiveness, love meditations, and other techniques, but I learned from my own experience how important it is to cleanse through the feeling world, not from the mind, and that we are a multi-layered pie, and after removing one layer, another appears... and not just one... 💘
I learned to live through and transform my feelings, emotions, and memories of former offenders or "unpleasant" past situations, to analyze the lessons presented and the mirroring of character traits in me, behind which hides True Loooooove and Gratitude.
I realized why it took me so many years of forgiveness and love meditations, but my physical body started speaking to me through pain: because I wasn't getting rid of unprocessed feelings, emotional pain stored in the body, trying to cover everything with light and love from above. It did attract things, of course: it helped me meet the man of my dreams, realize all my dreams, but my body hinted where my attention needed to be directed.
Well, what led me to this teacher was knee pain that appeared after childbirth. Truly, Illness = God Heals With Knowledge. I tried everything for 9 months... And only one online bio-correction session (THANK YOU to my friend Liana for that link) reduced that pain by about 70%, and a couple of days later it disappeared completely.
And the pain between my shoulder blades, which had periodically plagued me for the last two years before that, also went away during the first bio-correction in the first block of training.
Later, thanks to my daughter, I began to learn to defend my boundaries, take responsibility for all arising thoughts, emotions, feelings, track the state of victim, rescuer, and tyrant.
To find a golden mean for myself between Love for Myself and Service to Family and the World.
In 2020, I discovered the Power of Grounding, experienced the Power of the Women's Circle, merging with Mother Earth!
I had never felt so whole before.
From spring 2021, I studied the topic of massage. I grew in this practice, constantly learning new things.
From spring 2023, I studied and practiced various art therapy methods for a couple of years: isotherapy, fairy tale therapy, sand therapy, music therapy, play therapy, modeling, photo therapy, working with archetypal masks, and more.
I am amazed at how delicately and gently, ecologically, art therapy methods work their "magic" in sessions, bringing many insights to participants!
Thank you to all the Teachers I have met on my path!!! 🙏💝🌞
💗 And their knowledge and skills are spread through me to others who wish to transition to a better version of themselves and a state of joy and enjoyment of LIFE.
I AM, I shine and I love, I accept everything and everyone as it is!
I know how hard it can be to see the "perfection" in everything that happens! I can help if anyone needs it or is just curious, and change your reality or your perception of it.
I enjoy life, I love to share my state and knowledge!
Thank you for reading to the end! 😍💞🙏
If you wish to understand the causes of your events, states, feelings, emotions, pains, or illnesses and change them, please contact me at mermaid-81@mail.ru or via private message! I will be happy to help you understand and find the source of your happiness (spoiler: which is already inside you!)
Healing by Love and Light
An endless flow of Love, Happiness, Peace, Health to all!!!! 💖💗💞
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